Reclaiming my life, bits at a time (starting with running)

One of the major things about going through a divorce is learning how to reclaim bits of your life.  I've always done a pretty good job at maintaining my own identity and interests, but as anyone who's married or been married can attest to, certain parts of you change when you enter into such a serious commitment.  Certain experiences, hobbies, etc, start to become different in the light of that relationship.  Since becoming separated, I've had to sit down and spend some serious time asking, "OK Liz, what do YOU want?  Just YOU and only YOU?"  It's crazy having to answer that question, since for the past four years since we've moved in together (and arguably longer), what I have wanted has ultimately been framed in context of what my ex-husband wanted.  This does not mean that I always subjugated my desires and dreams for his - while that happened a lot, I still managed to pursue a lot of things that I enjoyed.

One interest that I started to pursue while I was married was running. I have quite a few friends and colleagues who share an interest in running, and the positive peer pressure eventually got me interested.  I used to run track in high school until I was hit by a car and had two knee surgeries (possibly more on that at a later date!) Last fall into winter, I completed the couch to 5K program.  When I look back now, I remember how running just one minute at a time seemed completely impossible.  I ran my first 5K race in the spring of that year.  It was such a great, exhilarating experience that I decided I was ready for more. Two of my closest girlfriends had quite a few half marathons under their belt and I thought it would be really fun to train together. So train we did, setting out on quite a journey together that brought all of us much closer.  Ironically, this closeness would go on to aid us in our own life struggles together as all three of us went through separations within three months of each other. I think it was the strength that we all gained together as a result of those many miles that carried us through each of our individual situations  But I digress.

 Our aim was the Atlantic City Half Marathon last October.  We decided to do this race because we thought it would be fun to hang out, walk around the boardwalk, and enjoy being together.  We all decided to cram into a hotel suite with our husbands.  Because the girls would be racing, we were going to go to bed early while the guys went out.  True to form, I looked forward to this trip for weeks, even though I've been to Atlantic City more times than I could count.  The ex and I were experiencing some problems at the time.  We were in the process of buying a house, but it was about a week before we went to Ocean City that the house deal fell apart. I thought that it would be great for us to get away and spend some time together.  Whenever we'd had problems in the past, a quick getaway (or longer getaway) always seemed to fix it, at least for a little while. The weekend of the race arrived and I was super excited to be there spending time with my husband and my friends. We arrived in Atlantic City on a Friday night and the race was on Sunday.   I had such a phenomenal time bonding with my friends on Saturday walking around the boardwalk, shopping, spending time together.  Unfortunately, one of my friends had already experienced a separation due to her own cheating bastard husband, but it was good to be together and to support her. Little did I know that I would soon walk down that very same path. On race morning, I was so ridiculously nervous.  I remember standing at the starting line feeling like I was going to be swept away by the tide of runners, desperately wanting to escape and scrap the whole thing.  However, once we got started, it was an awesome experience.  I definitely did the SAF (slow as fuck) pace and had more potty stops then I'd like, but I did it.  The feeling of accomplishment that I had when I crossed that finish line was something that I can never replicate.  It is definitely one of the top achievements of my life so far, something that I never thought I'd be able to do yet did ANYWAY.

However, things were happening that weekend that weren't quite right.  That whole weekend, I barely saw my husband or my friend's husband.  They were out until 4 AM both Friday night and Saturday night, coming back both nights reeking of beer and making a ton of noise.  On Saturday, they started drinking again early in the day and deliberately tried to avoid us throughout the day.  Even though their pre-race dinners were already paid for, they acted like they were doing us a favor by even meeting with us.  Then after the race, my ex didn't meet me at the finish line as he had promised to do so. I remember being in such an ungodly amount of pain that I felt like passing out.  However, I was sprinting towards that finish line with everything I had, listening to my friends shouting "Go Liz!" behind me.  I crossed the finish line, doubling over immediately to catch my breath and shed a few tears of joy and awe at what I had done. I scanned the crowd, looking for my not so hard to spot tall husband.  Not a sign of him.  After calling and texting him repeatedly, I found out he was at the hotel. I was absolutely crushed, devastated.  Didn't he understand that this was such a huge accomplishment and that he was coming that weekend as my GUEST and my SUPPORT?  All I wanted was for him to see me sprinting towards that finish line and take me in his arms, telling me how proud he was of me.  But that didn't happen.  When I asked him later why he didn't meet me, he didn't apologize or even acknowledge the fact that he had broken his promise.  He said that he had to pack up the room and that was more of a priority to him than meeting me at the finish.  I was completely devastated that he made a deliberate choice not to support me in this accomplishment.  He was so lackadaisacal about it, not caring about the great effort that I made.  While that race was ultimately not about impressing him, part of me really wanted him to be proud of me.  You see, my ex is an extremely critical person.  For years now, I have been ingesting his criticism about how I don't live up to his standards.  I'm not skinny enough, not pretty enough, too loud, not a good wife, don't keep the house clean enough, and am an overall disappointment.  So a huge part of me was desperately seeking his approval after that race and only wanted to hear how proud he was of me.

Well, things were never quite the same after that weekend.  When I look back at the last few months, I see that almost as a turning point.  About a week after that race, my ex told me that he had been seeing three women behind my back, including one whom he met during the race weekend in Atlantic City.  He even took a day off work so that he could visit this woman where she lived in Philadelphia and make it back home in time so that I wouldn't notice he was gone.  Words cannot express the devastation I experienced when he made this confession.  While I was SLEEPING in our hotel room, my husband was in a hotel room with another woman.  He informed me that he no longer wanted to be with me and was not sorry about what he did.

There is a lot that I can talk about regarding what happened in that time after my husband's confession, but for the purposes of this post, I want to focus on its effect on my running. This marked the beginning of a huge downward spiral for me.  Although I was planning to continue running after the race, I was physically unable.  I was barely sleeping at night and could barely stomach more than an apple per day.  I was constantly weak, tired, and sick.  Plus I was ANGRY.  Pure, unadulterated anger.  I felt like my ex had ruined running for me.  While this may seem unreasonable, it was how I felt. How DARE he sully one of my most important accomplishments with his cheating?  How could he see me leaving the house, day in and day out, running all of those miles, and deliberately make a choice not to support me?  All he had to do was freaking SHOW UP at the finish line!  No one forced him to stay out until 4 AM, just as no one forced him to choose to pack up the hotel at that exact time!  I see his decision as indicative of his complete withdrawal from our relationship and his complete lack of caring for me at the time.

However, I decided to take running back.  I decided that I would no longer give my ex the privilege of occupying the space where running was once important to me.  After months of absence and a constantly weak body, I started the couch to 5K program once again.  Once again, it was amazing to me how difficult it was to just run one minute at first.  And once again, I was able to do it with the support of friends.  I signed up for a race in Ocean City MD with a friend of mine who is also dealing with the pain of divorce. For both of us, this was an act of bravery as well as the reclamation of our own lives.  Next to the beautiful ocean with all its healing powers, we ran our race.  The whole time, we talked about how we were retaking our lives away from the losers and fuckers who thought that they could break us.  I felt invigorated and powerful.  With every step, I could feel the memory of that horrible weekend being erased.  With every step, I started to take back my accomplishment from his tainting.  I was no longer going to allow my ex to control something that had meant so much to me.  When I sprinted across the finish line, I shed the final layer of ickiness that had descended upon me and had ruined running for me. And at the end of the race, the wonderfully kind guy I'm seeing met us at the end.  No matter what happens with him in the future, I will always be thankful to him for showing me that I am deserving of having someone care enough to simply show up for me.  I once again cried tears of joy and thankfulness after the race.

This small act of bravery of running a 5K may not seem like a lot to an outsider.  To a person who has never been through a divorce, a 5K may seem very insignificant.  However, I've found out that everything I've been  through has had a certain level of significance, even just shopping by myself and for myself at the grocery store.  This 5K by the beautiful ocean, run with a wonderful, sympathetic friend, has done more good for me than any amount of counseling could do (and believe me - I've been doing a lot of counseling!)  This has allowed me to start in the long journey of reclaiming myself and reclaiming those parts of my life that have either been lost or tainted by my ex's hurtful actions.  It was an act of renewal, of rebellion, and of re-discovering parts of myself that I thought were forever gone.  It gives me the confidence to know that I can handle anything and come out swinging.

Introduction to my blog

Well, this is the start of a new endeavor for me.  I know some other people who have really gotten a lot of out blog writing and I think I'm at the point of my life where it could be quite useful.  Just an introduction to my blog - the title speaks for itself.  I'm going to be speaking about a lot of quite difficult and monumental things that have happened in my life as of late.  I understand that there are people who will be reading my blog who may have heard a different version of these things.  When describing these events, I have no intention of maintaining a balanced point of view.  I understand that while there are two sides to every story, I'm only interested in posting my side and exploring my own perception of these events.  If you take issue with my account of events or my feelings in relation to them, then that is your own problem.

What I hope to gain from writing is a greater understanding of the things that have happened as well as helping others.  Even though this has been easily the most difficult time of my entire life, I have experienced tremendous personal growth and learning about myself.  I feel like I have gone through a war but have continued to emerge victorious, discovering more every single day.  If I can gain something from this experience, I hope to be able to help others gain something and learn something as well.  If for no other reason, maybe I went through this horrible time in order to be able to help others who are going through the same thing.

For those of you who still don't know what I am referring to, I'll give a very brief summary. I don't intend on giving all of the dirty details and/or a blow by blow of what has happened. It would take too long and it's not the point.  So here's the "Reader's Digest" version.  At the end of November, my husband and I separated after I discovered his repeated infidelity.  Our relationship, which may have seemed fine from the outside, was anything but.  He always had a problem understanding appropriate boundaries with other women from the get go.  And unfortunately, this crossed the line of marital fidelity on many occasions throughout our marriage.  Though we had many other issues besides the infidelity, that is what broke us.  Since then, I have been through every emotion under the sun. I've suffered crippling depression and hovered dangerously close to a nervous breakdown at many times.  For long periods, I've barely been able to function enough to get myself through a normal day. Eating and sleeping normally were distant memories.  Short term memory and basic tasks were too difficult.   But I've also gone through amazingly happy periods where I have felt more happy, free, and alive than ever before.  I've known blinding anger and rage, often at unexplicable things.  I have been more sick more often during these last five months than during any other period of my life.  However, I've discovered strength and courage beyond my wildest dreams.  I've deepened friendships and been able to help others going through similar situations.  I've learned that I truly can handle anything and yes, do it on my own.

So that's the purpose of this blog. I'm going to use this as a space to process my extremely complicated feelings regarding what I'm going through and the experiences I'm having as a result.  There will be moments where it is hysterically funny but also when it is very sad.  I will also be document my own personal quest for excellence in which I will be setting goals to be achieved a year from now (more on that in another post). I'll also be telling about other life experiences both profound and hilarious that I've had.  I hope that you enjoy reading as much as I'll enjoy writing.  But again, if you don't like it, don't read it :-)