Memory and the Year of Power

The other day, I had a terrifying realization that came out of nowhere like a bolt of lightning.  Looking back at the last few months of my life, I have very little memory of anything that has happened since November.  Looking through my planner, I was seeing things I had written down that I could not remember in the slightest.  Since November, I've had so many conversations with people in which they reference something they've previously told me and I have absolutely no idea.  Every day since November was like walking through a haze.  My short term memory and ability to focus on anything was completely gone and is only just now coming back.  Most days, I literally had no idea what I was doing and was going through the motions of life like a robot.  I was so deeply in the grips of depression and anxiety (and also so heavily medicated) that these last few months seem like a black hole.  Basic functioning was lost - I had to force myself to remember to do things like eat.  I have been sleep walking through the last few months.  It is absolutely terrifying.  For those of you who have never experienced debilitating depression, apparently this is one of the results.  As a person who has struggled with depression for most of my life, I have always had low points.  However, it has never been this bad.  I've never experienced the almost complete loss of memory, both short term and long.  This has affected all areas of my life.

At first, when I realized just how much I don't remember, I was extremely frightened.  Imagine waking up one morning and only having fleeting memories of the last six months of your life. I feel like a person who has been waking up out of a coma. It still makes my heart pound just to think about it - what has happened in this time that I don't remember???  Then I got angry.  REALLY angry.  In this one and only precious life that we have on Earth, I cannot believe that I lost six whole months of my own.  Entire days, weeks, conversations, and experiences are lost to me forever. As a person who has always been in control of myself, the complete lack of control over my circumstances has made me extremely angry.  I also felt incredibly guilty thinking about the many ways that I've withdrawn from my life as a result of this black hole I've been in...from my family, my friends, my co-workers, graduate school.  The worst part is that this kind of non-functioning is completely the opposite of the person I have been for as long as I can remember.  I've always been an extremely competent person who is organized, hard-working, and dedicated.  I never quit at anything and I go above and beyond to make sure that everything is perfect.  I am ashamed of the fact that I have been able to give so little at my job, in graduate school, and to my friends and family.  In the past, I have always been acknowledged as a good worker, student, family member, and friend.  Now I am not even meeting the bare minimum of what is expected in all areas of my life.  For all of those people that have only known me a short while, I truly wish that they could have known me before all of this happened.  I have been a shadow of my former self.

Perhaps the memory loss is my psyche's way of protecting me from the events of the past few months.  When my husband left, it was not the only hurtful thing.  Since our separation, traumatic events have occurred over and over again, beating me into a pulp.  Perhaps I don't remember what has happened so that I don't ever have to re-live that pain again.  Maybe I'll be grateful because of that.  Here's the thing - even though the separation is ultimately the best thing that has ever happened to me, that doesn't mean this has been a walk in the park.

I have felt myself coming out of the fog lately, tiptoing gingerly into the open once again.  Spring break in Florida was the start of my coming back to life.  Luckily, my best friend was able to have me as a guest at a very crucial period in my life.  I don't know what would have happened if I wasn't able to go.  Before I left for spring break, I honestly didn't know if I was going to make it to the rest of the year without having to take significant time off work.  I saw no light at the end of the tunnel. However, slowly but surely, I've been stepping out of the darkness and being able to join the rest of the world.  Over the past few weeks, I've finally started to get a grip on my life around me.  I've come to the realization that there can be no more excuses and that I can no longer allow my circumstances to control my life.  Hence, I am embarking upon the Year of Power.

A friend of mine who is also going through excruciatingly painful life circumstances has given herself the new persona of Steelheart.  Steelheart does not allow circumstances to affect her and lets them flow right off her back.  The persona of Steelheart protects my friend from dealing with the horrible blows she has been dealt with.  I really liked this concept and decided to adopt my own persona.  My new persona is Power Girl.  Power Girl is strong and powerful - she takes control over her surroundings and does not allow outside events to control her.  Liz is tired of allowing the circumstances in her life to dictate her feelings, so Power Girl is coming in to turn that around.  And Steelheart gave Power Girl a Power CD to go with her new persona.

The Year of Power is going to be my year from May 1st 2013 to May 2014.  In this time, I am going to achieve certain goals, refusing to allow outside circumstances to use me as a puppet.  I am going to get back to my normal self - being on top of my game in all areas of my life and no longer withdrawing from the world.  In this time, I am going to get to my goal weight (not listing it here!!!), run two half marathons, get out of the credit card debt that has accrued since my separation as a result of my ex husband's actions, and achieve a 4.0 in graduate school.  I realize that I cannot do this overnight, so I am going to accomplish this by adopting powerful habits during the Year of Power.  Science tells us that habits are made in 21 days, so I will be picking up different habits and practicing them over this time period, over and over again.  My first powerful habit is paying attention.  That's probably the number one thing that has diminished over the last few months - I have not been able to pay attention to anyone or anything around me.  So, I'm going to actually pay attention to the people and tasks in front of me. I'm going to stop trying to do a million things at once and getting distracted.  Paying attention will become of paramount importance.

I am really looking forward to not only taking back my old self but also becoming a completely better version of myself during the Year of Power.  No longer will I move through life like a zombie through the fog, allowing circumstances to batter me around like wind.  I am taking control of my own life and my own destiny.  I will accept nothing but excellence.  The old me is coming back and transforming into the new me - the new me will have all of the old me's best qualities but also be able to use the strength from this experience to become even more powerful.