A few weeks ago, my friends and I were indulging in our
monthly tradition a Girl’s Night In (GNI).
Herein we dress in sweats, glasses and makeup is forbidden. We nosh on healthy snacks and usually end up
watching Bravo TV. Sometimes one of us
will fall on hard times and will call on the other ladies to buoy their
spirits.
This GNI was my turn to vent and seek the comfort and wisdom
for which my ladies are famous. I had separated
from my (now ex) lying, cheating, shit bag husband of five years in September
of 2012 and was divorced by April of 2013.
I, like Liz, had invested myself 100% in to the marriage and intended to
stay married to him until he or I died.
That kind of investment has risks, and I think Liz has well addressed
those emotions in her last post. I would
like to address “what comes next” in this Dating Divorceé post.
I dated several people over the course of the fall and
winter months, evaluating each one for suitability as my next long-term
mate. Through this process I learned so
much about myself and what I wanted and did not want in a mate. It was fun but frustrating as hell, realizing
that man after man just didn’t measure up to the ideal in my mind and that I
just might be alone for the rest of my life.
But then, I met a guy whom I thought was The One and we had been dating
for a few months at the time of this GNI.
That night, I was venting about how hard it is to start over at
thirty. There are engagement, wedding,
house and kids to pack in to the next 5 years and unfortunately I am just now finishing
up grad school and looking for a job.
How would I ever accomplish/fund these things while trying to get my
career started?! My dear friend said to
me “Those things will come, why don’t you just have fun and enjoy this part of
your life?”. I was incensed, mad and
furious – not at her, as her comment was truly coming from a good place, but
furious at myself for getting so wrapped up in “what should be”. But, you know what? She was SO right. Read on.
In The One, I placed every hope and dream for the perfect
life – engagement, marriage, making a home together and having children. Bliss, if you will. This investment too has risks. In doing so, I put the “blinders” on so as to
speak. I ignored his jealous and
controlling behavior (red flags!) because in my heart all I wanted was to get
back in to the comfort and safety of a committed, long-term relationship. Unfortunately, his jealousy got the better of
him and now our relationship, just shy of six months, is over. I am saddened, hurt and lonely. So, how in the world was my friend still
dead-on with her advice to “just have fun”?
I realized that, even though I am thirty and single it does
not mean that I am a failure in any way. Just because I am not married with children
and living in a single family home and taking awesome vacations does not mean
that I am behind the curve. PS: taking a “break” from Facebook has greatly
helped me stop comparing myself to others.
It is not that I feel resentful toward them; it just makes me feel angry
that that life has been taken away from me.
The word single does not describe or define me. I am mentally and physically strong,
independent and fun. There is someone
“out there” who is a good fit for me and until I meet that person, I need to
enjoy each day. It is easier said than
done, but we are only given a (relatively) short amount of time on this
Earth. How will you spend your
minutes? I think I’ll just have fun and
see what happens J
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