As I've been going through this extremely arduous and painful process, there are certain moments of clarity that occur and I always think to myself "This is a lesson I've learned. I've got to write this down!" And of course, pencil and paper are never available at the time when I have these thoughts. But I've had some time to think lately and want to write down some of the things that have come to mind. These are based solely on my experiences and the experiences of my close friends. They are in no particular order and are meant as observations/lessons not only that I have learned but that I think could be helpful for others going through it.
- Abnormal is the new normal. Stop trying to fight or change it - just accept it and don't beat yourself up.
Unfortunately, a daily (sometimes hourly or even more frequent) roller coaster of emotions and their subsequent effects on your body and state of mind are to be expected. I can remember this starting from the very beginning of my separation. There were moments of abject and utter despair, wondering how on Earth I could possibly move forward with my life after going through such a horrible experience as I did. Then, out of nowhere, feelings of almost giddy happiness would wash over me as I realized that I was out of a really terrible relationship where I was constantly insulted, made to feel small, and betrayed emotionally and physically over and over again. You will take leaps and bounds forward, feeling one day that you can conquer the world, then the next moment feel just as badly as you did the first time he (or she) walked out that door. I had extremely inappropriate emotional responses to things, feeling almost violently angry at times where I "should" have been happy, bursting out into tears at comedies because there was a happy moment between couples, etc.
The best advice that I have about dealing with a roller coaster like this is not to trust the crazy emotions. When you are having this roller coaster of feelings, the best thing to do is recognize it for what it is. The roller coaster does not mean that you are doing something wrong in your life or that something needs to be changed. I remember talking to my friends and my mom in the midst of these crazy emotions, freaking out about a whole mess of things, the direction of my life, my relationship, where I'm living, etc. They pointed out to me that these things aren't the problem. I was freaking out because it has been one hell of a year since November, and I was also coming up to a particularly contentious legal negotiation. This was ENORMOUSLY eye opening. Ever since I've learned to see these emotions for what they are (crazy reactions to things that have no bearing on what is actually going on), I've been able to have a lot more grasp on my life.
- People will judge you and your post-separation/divorce choices ALL the time. Get used to it. Take all advice (well intentioned or not) with a grain of salt and then make your own decisions.
This particular lesson was very painful to learn and has made me very upset and angry in the past. Fortunately, I've been able to chalk it up to pure ignorance. Sorry folks - as well meaning and well intentioned as you may be, you simply do not understand what it is like to go through what my friends and I have had to endure if you haven't gone through it yourself. And as a result, people say and do things that they might not do if they really understood what it's like. A friend of mine was going through a similarly difficult situation. Someone trying to "cheer her up" said, "Well, you know, it could always be worse." Yeah, technically things can always be worse, but that didn't make what my friend was going through less excruciatingly painful. This comment, even though it wasn't meant to be hurtful, drove a knife through my friend's heart and twisted it.
The amount of judgment my friends and I have unfortunately received has been shocking. And this judgment has often come from the people closest to us, which is even more painful. People have judged our choices to begin new relationships, end new relationships, live our lives in a different way than we used to, move out of our places, not move out of our places, keep up friendships, make new friends, end other friendships....the list goes on and on. We have also been judged for our role in the end of our marriages by people who know nothing about the inner workings of the relationship and thus have no place to judge. The amount of things, well meaning and not so well meaning, that have been said to us that basically describe how wrong our choices are and how we are going down a wrong path could fill up and ocean. And the thing I noticed, at least from my experience, that the most judgmental people in my life are not the ones who see me on a regular basis. They have not been on Ground Zero with me to observe what my life is actually like. Then there is the silent judgment...that's the worst. We've all dealt with former friends who have decided that our new situation and all of the drama and upheaval that comes with it is far too difficult to deal with and have decided to simply stick their heads in the sand and ignore us at a time when we need the support the most.
Judgment used to (and still does at times) really bother me. All I've wanted for people to do is to try to understand that this is an extremely difficult ordeal and we are simply just trying to survive. I don't need judgment - I need kindness and support. But I've come to a point in my life that after everything I've gone through, I feel like I don't have to explain my choices to anyone, as long as I'm not hurting anyone else. People can either put up or shut up.
- Throw away the checklist and stop "should-ing" all over yourself.
One thing that has really been difficult for me to deal with throughout this whole process has been the crushing feeling of disappointment and that I am not where I "should" be at this time of my life. This train of thought is ultimately harmful and must be avoided at all costs, since it doesn't do any good except to make you feel badly.
I am one of those people who saw life as a natural progression, always in forward motion. I was lucky enough to have parents who are still married and did everything possible to make sure my siblings and I had what we needed to be successful. I grew up hearing over and over again from multiple sources that hard work and being persistent are the key to moving forward. I had this idea in my head of what my life "should" be like and what "normal" people do. I was told, "Do well in high school so you can get into a good college with a scholarship," so I did. I was told "Do well in college so that you can get a good job," so I did. I was told, "Work hard at your job so you can be promoted and move up," so I did. Then there was the whole life trajectory thing...I always figured that during all of this hard work, I would meet someone that would eventually be my life partner. When I met that person, I did was I thought I "should" do. I was faithful, loved that person, made sacrifices, forgave that person when he screwed up, and helped to build a future together with that person by saving money and putting it towards things like a house and a wedding. In my mind, I was doing what "normal" people "should" do - I found that person and then our life would progress forward in a nice straight motion - a house, maybe some kids, working our jobs, retiring to a beach somewhere.
Well, a monkey wrench was thrown into my nice, neat little plan, and here I am now at 29 years old after meeting this person at 22, living in a tiny one bedroom apartment in a not so nice area in a state I moved to in order to support his career, savings accounts gone, possessions split up,no house, no marriage, no neat tidy life in a nice little package tied up in a bow. I have found myself often looking around at other people. By this time, they have found that person, perhaps married him/her, moved into a house, started on a family. And here I am, starting from scratch. I always thought that by my age there are certain milestones I "should" have reached. A month before my husband and I separated, we almost closed on a house. In hindsight, that was the best thing that could have happened, but I often find myself thinking about where I "should be."
However, the lesson that I have learned is that all of that BS is a load of crap. My experience alone has told me that just because someone has that life where they have everything that a person "should" have does not necessarily mean that they are happy! I have let go of trying to find that "perfect" life and what I need to be doing with myself. In this journey of life, there are so many different paths to be taken. Every day, people are starting from scratch because they had to deal with an unexpected situation. Every time that you think of what you "should" be doing, stop yourself. There is no "should" and there is no perfect life. Life is about dealing with what comes to you and being able to make something out of all of the difficulties. There is no neat package tied up in a pretty little bow. Real life is messy, dirty, and it is never a completely straight line.
Another thing I learned is that I need to throw away my checklists. As a completely Type A person, I love making lists. I make lists to judge everything, especially relationships. My marriage ending is a prime example of why a checklist is just a misguided attempt to control things. My ex husband had EVERYTHING, and I mean everything on my (former) checklist, which was extremely long and detailed. He is extremely ambitious and has a great job - he's always striving to do better. He is very charming and knows exactly what to say to everyone, almost like a politician. He is squeaky clean when it comes to drugs and other illicit behaviors of that kind. He is everyone's good buddy and nobody's enemy. However, this is a load of crap. Because of my ex husband's ambition and always needing to have something more, he is never happy with anything he has - hence the constant cheating and trying to find a new woman. At the time of our separation, he was juggling at least 3 other women. Because he's a perfectionist, he is extremely critical and never happy - I was never good enough for him, even when I did EXACTLY as I asked. I had to deal with constant put downs and degrading comments. The charming behavior is just an act - he is so ego driven that he can't stand for anyone not to like him. He is charming to everyone but doesn't allow anyone to get close and actually be his friend. And yeah he's squeaky clean when it comes to a lot of things, but the constant infidelity throws all of that in the toilet.
So, just because a person has every single item on your checklist doesn't necessarily mean that this person is right for you or even a good person. The guy I'm currently dating doesn't have nearly half the things on my checklist, and he makes me happy all the time. Throw away the checklist. All it will do is misguide you.And stop "should-ing" all over yourself.
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