Lessons from a soon-to-be-divorcee

I noticed something just as I was writing the title to this post...that word "divorcee."  As a person who's interested in the denotation and connotation of specific words and how they are used in certain contexts, I am very careful about the words that they use.  Now, this is just my own personal perception of the word (and no offense is meant to those who are reading this who actually are divorcees), but the meaning of that word in my head always had a hint of a person who had a sort of devil-may-care attitude about throwing away their marriage.  This does NOT describe me in the slightest.  I am a person who fought tooth and nail for my marriage since, well, probably even before we got married.  And yes I am FULLY aware that this means we never should have been married in the first place.  But I digress.

As I've been going through this extremely arduous and painful process, there are certain moments of clarity that occur and I always think to myself "This is a lesson I've learned.  I've got to write this down!" And of course, pencil and paper are never available at the time when I have these thoughts.  But I've had some time to think lately and want to write down some of the things that have come to mind.  These are based solely on my experiences and the experiences of my close friends.  They are in no particular order and are meant as observations/lessons not only that I have learned but that I think could be helpful for others going through it.

• Abnormal is the new normal.  Stop trying to fight or change it - just accept it and don't beat yourself up.

Unfortunately, a daily (sometimes hourly or even more frequent) roller coaster of emotions and their subsequent effects on your body and state of mind are to be expected.  I can remember this starting from the very beginning of my separation.  There were moments of abject and utter despair, wondering how on Earth I could possibly move forward with my life after going through such a horrible experience as I did.  Then, out of nowhere, feelings of almost giddy happiness would wash over me as I realized that I was out of a really terrible relationship where I was constantly insulted, made to feel small, and betrayed emotionally and physically over and over again.  You will take leaps and bounds forward, feeling one day that you can conquer the world, then the next moment feel just as badly as you did the first time he (or she) walked out that door.  I had extremely inappropriate emotional responses to things, feeling almost violently angry at times where I "should" have been happy, bursting out into tears at comedies because there was a happy moment between couples, etc. 

 The best advice that I have about dealing with a roller coaster like this is not to trust the crazy emotions.  When you are having this roller coaster of feelings, the best thing to do is recognize it for what it is.  The roller coaster does not mean that you are doing something wrong in your life or that something needs to be changed.  I remember talking to my friends and my mom in the midst of these crazy emotions, freaking out about a whole mess of things, the direction of my life, my relationship, where I'm living, etc.  They pointed out to me that these things aren't the problem.  I was freaking out because it has been one hell of a year since November, and I was also coming up to a particularly contentious legal negotiation.  This was ENORMOUSLY eye opening.  Ever since I've learned to see these emotions for what they are (crazy reactions to things that have no bearing on what is actually going on), I've been able to have a lot more grasp on my life.

• People will judge you and your post-separation/divorce choices ALL the time.  Get used to it.  Take all advice (well intentioned or not) with a grain of salt and then make your own decisions.

This particular lesson was very painful to learn and has made me very upset and angry in the past.  Fortunately, I've been able to chalk it up to pure ignorance.  Sorry folks - as well meaning and well intentioned as you may be, you simply do not understand what it is like to go through what my friends and I have had to endure if you haven't gone through it yourself.  And as a result, people say and do things that they might not do if they really understood what it's like.  A friend of mine was going through a similarly difficult situation.  Someone trying to "cheer her up" said, "Well, you know, it could always be worse."  Yeah, technically things can always be worse, but that didn't make what my friend was going through less excruciatingly painful.  This comment, even though it wasn't meant to be hurtful, drove a knife through my friend's heart and twisted it.

The amount of judgment my friends and I have unfortunately received has been shocking.  And this judgment has often come from the people closest to us, which is even more painful.  People have judged our choices to begin new relationships, end new relationships, live our lives in a different way than we used to, move out of our places, not move out of our places, keep up friendships, make new friends, end other friendships....the list goes on and on.  We have also been judged for our role in the end of our marriages by people who know nothing about the inner workings of the relationship and thus have no place to judge.  The amount of things, well meaning and not so well meaning, that have been said to us that basically describe how wrong our choices are and how we are going down a wrong path could fill up and ocean.  And the thing I noticed, at least from my experience, that the most judgmental people in my life are not the ones who see me on a regular basis.  They have not been on Ground Zero with me to observe what my life is actually like.  Then there is the silent judgment...that's the worst.  We've all dealt with former friends who have decided that our new situation and all of the drama and upheaval that comes with it is far too difficult to deal with and have decided to simply stick their heads in the sand and ignore us at a time when we need the support the most.  

Judgment used to (and still does at times) really bother me.  All I've wanted for people to do is to try to understand that this is an extremely difficult ordeal and we are simply just trying to survive.  I don't need judgment - I need kindness and support.  But I've come to a point in my life that after everything I've gone through, I feel like I don't have to explain my choices to anyone, as long as I'm not hurting anyone else.  People can either put up or shut up.

• Throw away the checklist and stop "should-ing" all over yourself.

One thing that has really been difficult for me to deal with throughout this whole process has been the crushing feeling of disappointment and that I am not where I "should" be at this time of my life.  This train of thought is ultimately harmful and must be avoided at all costs, since it doesn't do any good except to make you feel badly.

I am one of those people who saw life as a natural progression, always in forward motion.  I was lucky enough to have parents who are still married and did everything possible to make sure my siblings and I had what we needed to be successful.  I grew up hearing over and over again from multiple sources that hard work and being persistent are the key to moving forward.  I had this idea in my head of what my life "should" be like and what "normal" people do.  I was told, "Do well in high school so you can get into a good college with a scholarship," so I did.  I was told "Do well in college so that you can get a good job," so I did.  I was told, "Work hard at your job so you can be promoted and move up," so I did.  Then there was the whole life trajectory thing...I always figured that during all of this hard work, I would meet someone that would eventually be my life partner.  When I met that person, I did was I thought I "should" do.  I was faithful, loved that person, made sacrifices, forgave that person when he screwed up, and helped to build a future together with that person by saving money and putting it towards things like a house and a wedding.  In my mind, I was doing what "normal" people "should" do - I found that person and then our life would progress forward in a nice straight motion - a house, maybe some kids, working our jobs, retiring to a beach somewhere.

Well, a monkey wrench was thrown into my nice, neat little plan, and here I am now at 29 years old after meeting this person at 22, living in a tiny one bedroom apartment in a not so nice area in a state I moved to in order to support his career, savings accounts gone, possessions split up,no house, no marriage, no neat tidy life in a nice little package tied up in a bow.  I have found myself often looking around at other people. By this time, they have found that person, perhaps married him/her, moved into a house, started on a family.  And here I am, starting from scratch.  I always thought that by my age there are certain milestones I "should" have reached.  A month before my husband and I separated, we almost closed on a house.  In hindsight, that was the best thing that could have happened, but I often find myself thinking about where I "should be."

However, the lesson that I have learned is that all of that BS is a load of crap.  My experience alone has told me that just because someone has that life where they have everything that a person "should" have does not necessarily mean that they are happy!  I have let go of trying to find that "perfect" life and what I need to be doing with myself.  In this journey of life, there are so many different paths to be taken.  Every day, people are starting from scratch because they had to deal with an unexpected situation.  Every time that you think of what you "should" be doing, stop yourself.  There is no "should" and there is no perfect life.  Life is about dealing with what comes to you and being able to make something out of all of the difficulties.  There is no neat package tied up in a pretty little bow.  Real life is messy, dirty, and it is never a completely straight line.  

Another thing I learned is that I need to throw away my checklists.  As a completely Type A person, I love making lists.  I make lists to judge everything, especially relationships.  My marriage ending is a prime example of why a checklist is just a misguided attempt to control things.  My ex husband had EVERYTHING, and I mean everything on my (former) checklist, which was extremely long and detailed.  He is extremely ambitious and has a great job - he's always striving to do better.  He is very charming and knows exactly what to say to everyone, almost like a politician.  He is squeaky clean when it comes to drugs and other illicit behaviors of that kind.  He is everyone's good buddy and nobody's enemy.  However, this is a load of crap.  Because of my ex husband's ambition and always needing to have something more, he is never happy with anything he has - hence the constant cheating and trying to find a new woman.  At the time of our separation, he was juggling at least 3 other women.  Because he's a perfectionist, he is extremely critical and never happy - I was never good enough for him, even when I did EXACTLY as I asked.  I had to deal with constant put downs and degrading comments.  The charming behavior is just an act - he is so ego driven that he can't stand for anyone not to like him.  He is charming to everyone but doesn't allow anyone to get close and actually be his friend.  And yeah he's squeaky clean when it comes to a lot of things, but the constant infidelity throws all of that in the toilet.

So, just because a person has every single item on your checklist doesn't necessarily mean that this person is right for you or even a good person.  The guy I'm currently dating doesn't have nearly half the things on my checklist, and he makes me happy all the time.  Throw away the checklist.  All it will do is misguide you.And stop "should-ing" all over yourself.

The Dating Divorcee - Guest Writer!

Please enjoy this new piece by the author who wrote "Bad Friends Are Like Old Bras."

A few weeks ago, my friends and I were indulging in our monthly tradition a Girl’s Night In (GNI).  Herein we dress in sweats, glasses and makeup is forbidden.  We nosh on healthy snacks and usually end up watching Bravo TV.  Sometimes one of us will fall on hard times and will call on the other ladies to buoy their spirits. 

This GNI was my turn to vent and seek the comfort and wisdom for which my ladies are famous.  I had separated from my (now ex) lying, cheating, shit bag husband of five years in September of 2012 and was divorced by April of 2013.  I, like Liz, had invested myself 100% in to the marriage and intended to stay married to him until he or I died.  That kind of investment has risks, and I think Liz has well addressed those emotions in her last post.  I would like to address “what comes next” in this Dating Divorceé post. 

I dated several people over the course of the fall and winter months, evaluating each one for suitability as my next long-term mate.  Through this process I learned so much about myself and what I wanted and did not want in a mate.  It was fun but frustrating as hell, realizing that man after man just didn’t measure up to the ideal in my mind and that I just might be alone for the rest of my life.  But then, I met a guy whom I thought was The One and we had been dating for a few months at the time of this GNI.  That night, I was venting about how hard it is to start over at thirty.  There are engagement, wedding, house and kids to pack in to the next 5 years and unfortunately I am just now finishing up grad school and looking for a job.  How would I ever accomplish/fund these things while trying to get my career started?!  My dear friend said to me “Those things will come, why don’t you just have fun and enjoy this part of your life?”.  I was incensed, mad and furious – not at her, as her comment was truly coming from a good place, but furious at myself for getting so wrapped up in “what should be”.  But, you know what?  She was SO right.  Read on. 

In The One, I placed every hope and dream for the perfect life – engagement, marriage, making a home together and having children.  Bliss, if you will.  This investment too has risks.  In doing so, I put the “blinders” on so as to speak.  I ignored his jealous and controlling behavior (red flags!) because in my heart all I wanted was to get back in to the comfort and safety of a committed, long-term relationship.  Unfortunately, his jealousy got the better of him and now our relationship, just shy of six months, is over.  I am saddened, hurt and lonely.  So, how in the world was my friend still dead-on with her advice to “just have fun”?

I realized that, even though I am thirty and single it does not mean that I am a failure in any way.  Just because I am not married with children and living in a single family home and taking awesome vacations does not mean that I am behind the curve. PS: taking a “break” from Facebook has greatly helped me stop comparing myself to others.  It is not that I feel resentful toward them; it just makes me feel angry that that life has been taken away from me.  The word single does not describe or define me.  I am mentally and physically strong, independent and fun.  There is someone “out there” who is a good fit for me and until I meet that person, I need to enjoy each day.  It is easier said than done, but we are only given a (relatively) short amount of time on this Earth.  How will you spend your minutes?  I think I’ll just have fun and see what happens J

Going to extremes: Unexplained moments of indescribable sadness as well as pure joy

On the evening of my 3rd wedding anniversary, my boyfriend sat patiently on the floor, tinkering with my vacuum with a Phillips screwdriver.  Yep, you read that right, and if I ever do decide to write my novel based on my experiences as well as those of my friends with the crippling pain of divorce, that will be the first line of it.  Today I was already starting to feel anxiety in the anticipation of my 3rd anniversary tomorrow.  After work, I spoke to my boyfriend on the phone about our days and about hanging out tonight.  We made small talk about what we were doing after work:  I was going to Walmart to pick up a new vacuum, and he was going to mow the lawn.  He said that he would come over after he had finished mowing the lawn.  Typically when we hang out during the week, we don't do a whole lot - just hang out watching TV/movies and relax.  So this night was shaping up to be pleasant but nondescript.  After we finished eating dinner, he asked me about the new vacuum and why I bought it.  I told him that the old vacuum had stopped picking stuff up and was just pushing it around.  After a lot of frustration with trying to see what was wrong with it and the increasing mess in my apartment, I gave up and decided to get a new vacuum.  My boyfriend suggested that my vacuum might just have a clog in it and asked to have a look.  Before I knew it, I had handed him a Phillips screwdriver, and he was sitting on the floor taking the vacuum apart, removing all sorts of strange objects and large clogs.  Inexplicably, I was struck with such a warm feeling in my heart and a feeling of absolute joy that I almost couldn't stand it.  I was so touched by his kindness, by such a small act on his part to save me the cost of my new vacuum, that I actually had to go into the other room so that he couldn't see the tears welling up in my eyes.  I was so filled with extreme happiness that I was shaking.  When he finished with the vacuum, I hugged him and told him how thankful I am that he fixed my vacuum and now has allowed me to return the new one.  He simply said "no big deal" and sat back down to watch Family Guy. While this moment is seemingly mundane, I don't think that I will ever forget this.

Crazy?  I used to think so.  But after going through a separation and the process of divorce, I am used to these extreme moments.  Since my ex-husband left in November after revealing his string of affairs spanning the course of our marriage and also while we were engaged, I have been experiencing things that I've called unexplained moments of indescribable sadness and pure joy.  They come at the darndest times and often for the silliest reasons, which is why I consider them to be somewhat unexplained.  For example, I remember the first time that I went grocery shopping since my ex-husband left.  I don't remember what it is that I bought, or even where I went, but I remember the feeling.  Since we started living together almost five years ago now at this point, I have always been responsible for the grocery shopping for him and me.  And it's something that I truly enjoyed doing.  I enjoyed playing the part of the wife, planning meals and cooking them for my husband.  But that time that I went to the grocery store to shop only for myself for the first time in a long time was an unexplained moment of indescribable sadness.  I remember standing in the middle of the aisle at the grocery store.  I was trying to look at the shelves, but everything was blurry and I honestly didn't know what I was looking at.  I was trembling and crying. My stomach felt like it was going to fall in the floor.  I experienced such a tightness in my chest that I could barely breathe.  I don't recall the specifics, but I think I left that place with nearly none of the things I needed.  It was all I could do to have enough strength to go to the checkout and pay for my groceries.

I had another such unexplained moment of indescribable sadness as well as anger earlier this week when I was filling out paperwork for a new part-time job that I will start in the fall.  I am so glad to have this job, a lab instructor in some English classes at Howard Community College, because it will help pay for grad school as well as give me some valued college teaching experience on my CV.  Unfortunately, my going-through-a-divorce mind nearly caused me to have a meltdown as a result of filling out the dreaded W-2, I-9, and Maryland State tax forms.  The sections where I had to check off boxes saying whether I was single, married, married but filing jointly, married but withholding at single, etc, seemed to be the most daunting enemies I had faced in a while.  I became incredibly sad, then angry.  I thought that when I became married that those sections would be easy.  I thought that when I became married I would never again have to think about how to fill out those sections.  Isn't that one of the benefits of being married - tax breaks and filing joint tax returns?  What hte hell was that all about?  Instead, I was feeling the pressure of being in a very strange in between position - my first divorce hearing in court comes up on July 19th. My hand was trembling as I tried valiantly to come up with the best possible answer for those questions.  Even worse were the emergency contact questions.  On several forms, I had to fill out questions about who my emergency contact was.  Again, wasn't that the frigging point of getting married???? To have someone who is supposed to take care of you for better for worse, for richer for poorer, in sickness and in health, til death do you part????  I believe that the emergency contact is covered in this clause!!! This one made me especially angry... I've been plopped in the state of Maryland for no other reason than the fact that I followed my ex-husband here for his job.  My closest family is my brother and his wife and children, who live two and a half hours away   My parents live three and a half hours away in New Jersey. Who in the world could be my emergency contact? This question also nearly reduced me to tears and made me incredibly sad.   However, I put my big girl pants on.  Ain't nobody got time to be sitting around feeling sorry for yourself.  I put down my good friend Kelli down as my emergency contact.  She has been a rock and a source of strength and inspiration for me.  Sometimes you have to make your own family, and that's what I've been doing.

Yes, these moments are strange and can hit at any moment for any stupid reason.  You just have to ride out the bad ones and not let them deter you from what you want to do.  But when you do get those elusive moments of pure joy that is so delicious that you can barely keep from exploding with happiness, just ride the wave.  One such moment that gets me through the hard times occurred for me on Super Bowl Sunday.  I've spent the past I don't know how many Super Bowls hanging out with my husband.  However, Super Bowl Sunday was one moment of pure happiness that I'll never forget.  My girlfriends and I got together in our sweatpants, painted our nails, and ate junk food.  I remember looking around at us and thinking of how wonderful life truly was.  I was barely a month out of being separated, and my other two girlfriends had also recently been separated.  In spite of this, I experienced such true happiness on that night because I had the feeling that everything was going to be OK, even though I was going through the worst depression of my life at that point.  And that's why it's an unexplained moment of pure joy - why in the world would anyone get reduced to a moment of pure joy by painting nails in sweatpants watching a team no one really cared about (no offense Ravens fans) because we were all transplants to the area?  But that's what happens sometimes.  Even though I do get struck by incredible sadness, the joyful moments, however bizarre, unexplained, and OK, crazy I might think they are, they are what has kept me going in this painful yet ultimately fulfilling journey.

Bad Friends Are Like Old Bras- Guest Writer!!!!

Hello all - I am so honored to post something written by a wonderful friend of mine.  She is one of the ladies who ran in Atlantic City with me and is also unfortunately dealing with a divorce because of a cheating ex.  She has been such an amazing strength and inspiration to me throughout our whole ordeal.  I honestly don't know what I would have done without this amazing woman.  So when she asked if I could post something that she wrote, I jumped at the chance.  She is doing this post and another one - this is called "Bad Friends Are Like Old Bras" and the next is "The Flying Vagina."  I hope you enjoy her work as much as I did!

Bad friends are like old bras: one can experience loss of support and lift from straps that have been stretched too far for too long and sharp jabs from escaping underwires.  Just as these old bras deserve to be thrown away, so do bad friendships.  I have experienced my fair share of bad friends in my twenties.  I have done what any bat shit crazy woman (girl?) would do – hang on to them for dear life, hoping and pleading that they would be as nice to you as you are to them.  They never changed, but luckily I did. 

You see, over a year ago I discovered that my (now ex) husband was cheating on me with several other women, one of which was my “friend”(aka Flying Vagina - see next post).  Long story short, I divorced that scumbag, and invested in one year of weekly therapy visits.  There are no words to describe the support and love that I have received from my friends during that very difficult year, some of whom were also experiencing difficulties in their marriages.  It helped as much as the therapy did, I swear.  During this time, I developed a sense of my boundaries and a baseline for how I was to be treated by friends, family and most importantly – men. 

Perhaps it is a case of mismanaged expectations.  You tell your friend that you are separated or divorced from your husband because he is a lying, cheating asshole and the only responses that you expected were “you go girl” and “let me know how I can help (soup, Kleenex, flatten tires, where is my baseball bat, etc.). 

Therefore, I was surprised to receive responses varying from empty, half-hearted condolences to complete alienation.  Some were married, some were single, some were close friends and some were distant friends.  I’m not going to go in to specifics here, because as you read this I bet you are recalling all of the things that bad, unsupportive friends have said to you over the years and you know exactly what I am talking about.  Ordinarily, I would have excused these friends’ responses as differences in perspective and kept them on my roster.  But now…

Ain’t Nobody Got Time For That.  Ladies, either step up and support your friends’ decisions or get lost.  Going through a breakup/separation/divorce/foreclosure/move/birth/death is hard enough (and you know that!) and we all need help and support during difficult times.  Do not send nastygrams full of your crazy talk about what we (as separated/divorced/grieving) women should be doing with our lives and postulate about what went wrong in our marriages and what we could have done or should do to make it all better.  We survived our own personal crisis without your “help” and now we will enjoy our freshly constructed, beautiful life without you as well!

Memory and the Year of Power

The other day, I had a terrifying realization that came out of nowhere like a bolt of lightning.  Looking back at the last few months of my life, I have very little memory of anything that has happened since November.  Looking through my planner, I was seeing things I had written down that I could not remember in the slightest.  Since November, I've had so many conversations with people in which they reference something they've previously told me and I have absolutely no idea.  Every day since November was like walking through a haze.  My short term memory and ability to focus on anything was completely gone and is only just now coming back.  Most days, I literally had no idea what I was doing and was going through the motions of life like a robot.  I was so deeply in the grips of depression and anxiety (and also so heavily medicated) that these last few months seem like a black hole.  Basic functioning was lost - I had to force myself to remember to do things like eat.  I have been sleep walking through the last few months.  It is absolutely terrifying.  For those of you who have never experienced debilitating depression, apparently this is one of the results.  As a person who has struggled with depression for most of my life, I have always had low points.  However, it has never been this bad.  I've never experienced the almost complete loss of memory, both short term and long.  This has affected all areas of my life.

At first, when I realized just how much I don't remember, I was extremely frightened.  Imagine waking up one morning and only having fleeting memories of the last six months of your life. I feel like a person who has been waking up out of a coma. It still makes my heart pound just to think about it - what has happened in this time that I don't remember???  Then I got angry.  REALLY angry.  In this one and only precious life that we have on Earth, I cannot believe that I lost six whole months of my own.  Entire days, weeks, conversations, and experiences are lost to me forever. As a person who has always been in control of myself, the complete lack of control over my circumstances has made me extremely angry.  I also felt incredibly guilty thinking about the many ways that I've withdrawn from my life as a result of this black hole I've been in...from my family, my friends, my co-workers, graduate school.  The worst part is that this kind of non-functioning is completely the opposite of the person I have been for as long as I can remember.  I've always been an extremely competent person who is organized, hard-working, and dedicated.  I never quit at anything and I go above and beyond to make sure that everything is perfect.  I am ashamed of the fact that I have been able to give so little at my job, in graduate school, and to my friends and family.  In the past, I have always been acknowledged as a good worker, student, family member, and friend.  Now I am not even meeting the bare minimum of what is expected in all areas of my life.  For all of those people that have only known me a short while, I truly wish that they could have known me before all of this happened.  I have been a shadow of my former self.

Perhaps the memory loss is my psyche's way of protecting me from the events of the past few months.  When my husband left, it was not the only hurtful thing.  Since our separation, traumatic events have occurred over and over again, beating me into a pulp.  Perhaps I don't remember what has happened so that I don't ever have to re-live that pain again.  Maybe I'll be grateful because of that.  Here's the thing - even though the separation is ultimately the best thing that has ever happened to me, that doesn't mean this has been a walk in the park.

I have felt myself coming out of the fog lately, tiptoing gingerly into the open once again.  Spring break in Florida was the start of my coming back to life.  Luckily, my best friend was able to have me as a guest at a very crucial period in my life.  I don't know what would have happened if I wasn't able to go.  Before I left for spring break, I honestly didn't know if I was going to make it to the rest of the year without having to take significant time off work.  I saw no light at the end of the tunnel. However, slowly but surely, I've been stepping out of the darkness and being able to join the rest of the world.  Over the past few weeks, I've finally started to get a grip on my life around me.  I've come to the realization that there can be no more excuses and that I can no longer allow my circumstances to control my life.  Hence, I am embarking upon the Year of Power.

A friend of mine who is also going through excruciatingly painful life circumstances has given herself the new persona of Steelheart.  Steelheart does not allow circumstances to affect her and lets them flow right off her back.  The persona of Steelheart protects my friend from dealing with the horrible blows she has been dealt with.  I really liked this concept and decided to adopt my own persona.  My new persona is Power Girl.  Power Girl is strong and powerful - she takes control over her surroundings and does not allow outside events to control her.  Liz is tired of allowing the circumstances in her life to dictate her feelings, so Power Girl is coming in to turn that around.  And Steelheart gave Power Girl a Power CD to go with her new persona.

The Year of Power is going to be my year from May 1st 2013 to May 2014.  In this time, I am going to achieve certain goals, refusing to allow outside circumstances to use me as a puppet.  I am going to get back to my normal self - being on top of my game in all areas of my life and no longer withdrawing from the world.  In this time, I am going to get to my goal weight (not listing it here!!!), run two half marathons, get out of the credit card debt that has accrued since my separation as a result of my ex husband's actions, and achieve a 4.0 in graduate school.  I realize that I cannot do this overnight, so I am going to accomplish this by adopting powerful habits during the Year of Power.  Science tells us that habits are made in 21 days, so I will be picking up different habits and practicing them over this time period, over and over again.  My first powerful habit is paying attention.  That's probably the number one thing that has diminished over the last few months - I have not been able to pay attention to anyone or anything around me.  So, I'm going to actually pay attention to the people and tasks in front of me. I'm going to stop trying to do a million things at once and getting distracted.  Paying attention will become of paramount importance.

I am really looking forward to not only taking back my old self but also becoming a completely better version of myself during the Year of Power.  No longer will I move through life like a zombie through the fog, allowing circumstances to batter me around like wind.  I am taking control of my own life and my own destiny.  I will accept nothing but excellence.  The old me is coming back and transforming into the new me - the new me will have all of the old me's best qualities but also be able to use the strength from this experience to become even more powerful.

Reclaiming my life, bits at a time (starting with running)

One of the major things about going through a divorce is learning how to reclaim bits of your life.  I've always done a pretty good job at maintaining my own identity and interests, but as anyone who's married or been married can attest to, certain parts of you change when you enter into such a serious commitment.  Certain experiences, hobbies, etc, start to become different in the light of that relationship.  Since becoming separated, I've had to sit down and spend some serious time asking, "OK Liz, what do YOU want?  Just YOU and only YOU?"  It's crazy having to answer that question, since for the past four years since we've moved in together (and arguably longer), what I have wanted has ultimately been framed in context of what my ex-husband wanted.  This does not mean that I always subjugated my desires and dreams for his - while that happened a lot, I still managed to pursue a lot of things that I enjoyed.

One interest that I started to pursue while I was married was running. I have quite a few friends and colleagues who share an interest in running, and the positive peer pressure eventually got me interested.  I used to run track in high school until I was hit by a car and had two knee surgeries (possibly more on that at a later date!) Last fall into winter, I completed the couch to 5K program.  When I look back now, I remember how running just one minute at a time seemed completely impossible.  I ran my first 5K race in the spring of that year.  It was such a great, exhilarating experience that I decided I was ready for more. Two of my closest girlfriends had quite a few half marathons under their belt and I thought it would be really fun to train together. So train we did, setting out on quite a journey together that brought all of us much closer.  Ironically, this closeness would go on to aid us in our own life struggles together as all three of us went through separations within three months of each other. I think it was the strength that we all gained together as a result of those many miles that carried us through each of our individual situations  But I digress.

 Our aim was the Atlantic City Half Marathon last October.  We decided to do this race because we thought it would be fun to hang out, walk around the boardwalk, and enjoy being together.  We all decided to cram into a hotel suite with our husbands.  Because the girls would be racing, we were going to go to bed early while the guys went out.  True to form, I looked forward to this trip for weeks, even though I've been to Atlantic City more times than I could count.  The ex and I were experiencing some problems at the time.  We were in the process of buying a house, but it was about a week before we went to Ocean City that the house deal fell apart. I thought that it would be great for us to get away and spend some time together.  Whenever we'd had problems in the past, a quick getaway (or longer getaway) always seemed to fix it, at least for a little while. The weekend of the race arrived and I was super excited to be there spending time with my husband and my friends. We arrived in Atlantic City on a Friday night and the race was on Sunday.   I had such a phenomenal time bonding with my friends on Saturday walking around the boardwalk, shopping, spending time together.  Unfortunately, one of my friends had already experienced a separation due to her own cheating bastard husband, but it was good to be together and to support her. Little did I know that I would soon walk down that very same path. On race morning, I was so ridiculously nervous.  I remember standing at the starting line feeling like I was going to be swept away by the tide of runners, desperately wanting to escape and scrap the whole thing.  However, once we got started, it was an awesome experience.  I definitely did the SAF (slow as fuck) pace and had more potty stops then I'd like, but I did it.  The feeling of accomplishment that I had when I crossed that finish line was something that I can never replicate.  It is definitely one of the top achievements of my life so far, something that I never thought I'd be able to do yet did ANYWAY.

However, things were happening that weekend that weren't quite right.  That whole weekend, I barely saw my husband or my friend's husband.  They were out until 4 AM both Friday night and Saturday night, coming back both nights reeking of beer and making a ton of noise.  On Saturday, they started drinking again early in the day and deliberately tried to avoid us throughout the day.  Even though their pre-race dinners were already paid for, they acted like they were doing us a favor by even meeting with us.  Then after the race, my ex didn't meet me at the finish line as he had promised to do so. I remember being in such an ungodly amount of pain that I felt like passing out.  However, I was sprinting towards that finish line with everything I had, listening to my friends shouting "Go Liz!" behind me.  I crossed the finish line, doubling over immediately to catch my breath and shed a few tears of joy and awe at what I had done. I scanned the crowd, looking for my not so hard to spot tall husband.  Not a sign of him.  After calling and texting him repeatedly, I found out he was at the hotel. I was absolutely crushed, devastated.  Didn't he understand that this was such a huge accomplishment and that he was coming that weekend as my GUEST and my SUPPORT?  All I wanted was for him to see me sprinting towards that finish line and take me in his arms, telling me how proud he was of me.  But that didn't happen.  When I asked him later why he didn't meet me, he didn't apologize or even acknowledge the fact that he had broken his promise.  He said that he had to pack up the room and that was more of a priority to him than meeting me at the finish.  I was completely devastated that he made a deliberate choice not to support me in this accomplishment.  He was so lackadaisacal about it, not caring about the great effort that I made.  While that race was ultimately not about impressing him, part of me really wanted him to be proud of me.  You see, my ex is an extremely critical person.  For years now, I have been ingesting his criticism about how I don't live up to his standards.  I'm not skinny enough, not pretty enough, too loud, not a good wife, don't keep the house clean enough, and am an overall disappointment.  So a huge part of me was desperately seeking his approval after that race and only wanted to hear how proud he was of me.

Well, things were never quite the same after that weekend.  When I look back at the last few months, I see that almost as a turning point.  About a week after that race, my ex told me that he had been seeing three women behind my back, including one whom he met during the race weekend in Atlantic City.  He even took a day off work so that he could visit this woman where she lived in Philadelphia and make it back home in time so that I wouldn't notice he was gone.  Words cannot express the devastation I experienced when he made this confession.  While I was SLEEPING in our hotel room, my husband was in a hotel room with another woman.  He informed me that he no longer wanted to be with me and was not sorry about what he did.

There is a lot that I can talk about regarding what happened in that time after my husband's confession, but for the purposes of this post, I want to focus on its effect on my running. This marked the beginning of a huge downward spiral for me.  Although I was planning to continue running after the race, I was physically unable.  I was barely sleeping at night and could barely stomach more than an apple per day.  I was constantly weak, tired, and sick.  Plus I was ANGRY.  Pure, unadulterated anger.  I felt like my ex had ruined running for me.  While this may seem unreasonable, it was how I felt. How DARE he sully one of my most important accomplishments with his cheating?  How could he see me leaving the house, day in and day out, running all of those miles, and deliberately make a choice not to support me?  All he had to do was freaking SHOW UP at the finish line!  No one forced him to stay out until 4 AM, just as no one forced him to choose to pack up the hotel at that exact time!  I see his decision as indicative of his complete withdrawal from our relationship and his complete lack of caring for me at the time.

However, I decided to take running back.  I decided that I would no longer give my ex the privilege of occupying the space where running was once important to me.  After months of absence and a constantly weak body, I started the couch to 5K program once again.  Once again, it was amazing to me how difficult it was to just run one minute at first.  And once again, I was able to do it with the support of friends.  I signed up for a race in Ocean City MD with a friend of mine who is also dealing with the pain of divorce. For both of us, this was an act of bravery as well as the reclamation of our own lives.  Next to the beautiful ocean with all its healing powers, we ran our race.  The whole time, we talked about how we were retaking our lives away from the losers and fuckers who thought that they could break us.  I felt invigorated and powerful.  With every step, I could feel the memory of that horrible weekend being erased.  With every step, I started to take back my accomplishment from his tainting.  I was no longer going to allow my ex to control something that had meant so much to me.  When I sprinted across the finish line, I shed the final layer of ickiness that had descended upon me and had ruined running for me. And at the end of the race, the wonderfully kind guy I'm seeing met us at the end.  No matter what happens with him in the future, I will always be thankful to him for showing me that I am deserving of having someone care enough to simply show up for me.  I once again cried tears of joy and thankfulness after the race.

This small act of bravery of running a 5K may not seem like a lot to an outsider.  To a person who has never been through a divorce, a 5K may seem very insignificant.  However, I've found out that everything I've been  through has had a certain level of significance, even just shopping by myself and for myself at the grocery store.  This 5K by the beautiful ocean, run with a wonderful, sympathetic friend, has done more good for me than any amount of counseling could do (and believe me - I've been doing a lot of counseling!)  This has allowed me to start in the long journey of reclaiming myself and reclaiming those parts of my life that have either been lost or tainted by my ex's hurtful actions.  It was an act of renewal, of rebellion, and of re-discovering parts of myself that I thought were forever gone.  It gives me the confidence to know that I can handle anything and come out swinging.

Introduction to my blog

Well, this is the start of a new endeavor for me.  I know some other people who have really gotten a lot of out blog writing and I think I'm at the point of my life where it could be quite useful.  Just an introduction to my blog - the title speaks for itself.  I'm going to be speaking about a lot of quite difficult and monumental things that have happened in my life as of late.  I understand that there are people who will be reading my blog who may have heard a different version of these things.  When describing these events, I have no intention of maintaining a balanced point of view.  I understand that while there are two sides to every story, I'm only interested in posting my side and exploring my own perception of these events.  If you take issue with my account of events or my feelings in relation to them, then that is your own problem.

What I hope to gain from writing is a greater understanding of the things that have happened as well as helping others.  Even though this has been easily the most difficult time of my entire life, I have experienced tremendous personal growth and learning about myself.  I feel like I have gone through a war but have continued to emerge victorious, discovering more every single day.  If I can gain something from this experience, I hope to be able to help others gain something and learn something as well.  If for no other reason, maybe I went through this horrible time in order to be able to help others who are going through the same thing.

For those of you who still don't know what I am referring to, I'll give a very brief summary. I don't intend on giving all of the dirty details and/or a blow by blow of what has happened. It would take too long and it's not the point.  So here's the "Reader's Digest" version.  At the end of November, my husband and I separated after I discovered his repeated infidelity.  Our relationship, which may have seemed fine from the outside, was anything but.  He always had a problem understanding appropriate boundaries with other women from the get go.  And unfortunately, this crossed the line of marital fidelity on many occasions throughout our marriage.  Though we had many other issues besides the infidelity, that is what broke us.  Since then, I have been through every emotion under the sun. I've suffered crippling depression and hovered dangerously close to a nervous breakdown at many times.  For long periods, I've barely been able to function enough to get myself through a normal day. Eating and sleeping normally were distant memories.  Short term memory and basic tasks were too difficult.   But I've also gone through amazingly happy periods where I have felt more happy, free, and alive than ever before.  I've known blinding anger and rage, often at unexplicable things.  I have been more sick more often during these last five months than during any other period of my life.  However, I've discovered strength and courage beyond my wildest dreams.  I've deepened friendships and been able to help others going through similar situations.  I've learned that I truly can handle anything and yes, do it on my own.

So that's the purpose of this blog. I'm going to use this as a space to process my extremely complicated feelings regarding what I'm going through and the experiences I'm having as a result.  There will be moments where it is hysterically funny but also when it is very sad.  I will also be document my own personal quest for excellence in which I will be setting goals to be achieved a year from now (more on that in another post). I'll also be telling about other life experiences both profound and hilarious that I've had.  I hope that you enjoy reading as much as I'll enjoy writing.  But again, if you don't like it, don't read it :-)